Thoughts of the day

Driving to work I was dancing along with the radio at stop lights, in a super good mood, but for a split second my thoughts danced off to not so good mood stuff, and I could feel a well of tears just waiting for the opportunity to spill over. The moment passed as I brought myself back to the song and the sky. This is how it's been with me for quite awhile, though I'm in more white than black moods these days. But I can't ever seem to rid myself of that hum just beneath the surface that all is not quite well. Much of it has been hormone related as I navigate through this phase of my life. I have been able to bring myself into a better state of equilibrium, but there is still so much more to do to bring about the harmony between body, mind, and spirit that I've enjoyed at times but not as often as I'd like.
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I sometimes read the posts of my high school group on FB and I wonder if what I'm reading is why I never bothered to stay in contact with any but a couple of people from back then. They all seem to be enjoying one another, but I'm on some different wavelength or something. Most of their conversation bores me to tears. Especially when they get all patriotic and God-fearing. It's funny how military people can be Christians and warriors at the same time, isn't it? It seems like an oxymoronic possibility. (My high school peeps are mostly military brats, many of them joining the military themselves or marrying military spouses.) They love talking about old times. I can barely remember those times, I can barely remember the people, and I certainly have no reason to want to live in the past. Did that mean I just didn't have fun? But I did. You know what stands out in my mind, though? The times I spent on my own, walking through the forested hill paths, feeling the mist on my face, or going down to the village and braving the shops with my shy German. I love people, but they exhaust me after awhile. I would really be quite content living on my own in a beach house by the shore, poking my head out every so often to connect with people I love and then going back into my solitude. And yet, would I survive the solitude without the internet? I've lived with it for over a decade now. I'm never truly alone any time of day or night. I can always find someone to talk to if I'm in the mood and I'm on. What am I really like with true, hermit-like solitude? I honestly don't know.
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The interview went well on my part. In fact, I was the most comfortable I've been at any of the interviews I've been on in the past year. I'm getting too practiced at this, but I'm glad I don't get the jitters like I used to. Something in me has changed. My fear of authority figures has waned quite a bit, I'm more likely to speak my mind and not worry overmuch about what people think of me. More likely, I said, that doesn't mean I practice this completely "open and who cares what you think" sort of attitude all the time, just that it's becoming easier for me, little by little. I don't bottle things up so much any more.
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When drivers are assholes, I lean on the horn now and relieve that frustration in a more satisfying way than simply yelling idiot!, which no one hears anyway. And once I've let it out I remind myself they're just people like me who make mistakes, and I can let it go. Whenever I rant over someone else's behavior, my mind will throw up all the times when I've done things just like them. There's this fairness script that's always playing in my head, kind of keeping score, I guess, but not in an actual they did that/I did this tally, but more like a weight scale, and if I think the uglies are piling up too high on their side, I'll think of things I've done that help to balance it out if possible. I want to be sure that I'm not being harsh in my thoughts because of some underlying thing that may not even have anything to do with their behavior, but instead has to do with me being extra sensitive at the time that they did what they did. Sometimes it just isn't possible to be fair, though, because the things done were just really hard to take and need more than just thinking about when my behavior was comparable, even if it was. Sometimes nothing but the passage of time will take care of that.
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I'm up late again. Tomorrow I can sleep in a little. I may have to take my daughter to school, but then again, she may not go. She's not been well the last couple of days, so I said I'd drive her instead of her having to take the bus, which can be exhausting for her when she's not having a good day, especially when she has to be focused in class for over 3 hours. This seems to be more of a real physical illness than anything mind related, though. When I get back home, I'll paint for a little while, and then I have to catch up on grading. I let that slide while I was creating my presentation. I won't hear anything for a week or two they said. I'm fine with that. I wouldn't be able to start until after August 10 anyway, when my class ends, so...on to other things meanwhile.
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The reason I'm up late isn't because I'm wired, though. It's because I missed Falling Skies on Sunday because I was working, and I saw that it would be on at 1 am, so I stayed up to catch it, then started working on this post and doing a little catching up on FB, which is what prompted my thoughts on my high school group. They're having a reunion in 2012, and there are a few people who've said they're going that I would like to see again, but not many. And so many others that I don't know, and based upon their posts don't really care to, so I'm not sure. It's going to be in Myrtle Beach, SC. I'd hoped they were going to vote for Orlando (or was it Daytona? can't remember now). It's highly unlikely I'm going to want to spend the money to go see people I barely know as opposed to sticking it in the bank for getting to Paris, you know? But I have been trying to make myself get out more, connect with people, do more things. It does make life more interesting when you do that. Even if I can handle being by myself for reeeeeeeeeeally long stretches of time doesn't mean it's necessarily good for me because then I can become too engrossed in my thoughts, and a downward spiral can begin that way.
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It would be nice if I could finish my phoenix this week. I'm ready to finish it and move on to something else. I need more paint, though. I can't use regular oils in the summer time. Too smelly in my closed in studio. Too hot to paint with the door and window open.
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I have this problem that's actually a good problem to have, but requires funds to correct, which isn't so good. My clothes are getting too baggy on me. Even my shoes are getting too big. I put a skirt and top on today that used to be just a tad snug on me, thinking it would fit just right now, only to discover that I missed the just right stage and now can't wear it because it's too loose. I am going to go through my closet soon and give away everything that's too big, which will be about half of what I own-and some of the pieces I really love, too! I need to incorporate a few more colors besides blue, green, and purple, too. I'm ready to spice it up just a little with some reds, pinks, and yellows, but not too red. Deep, ruby reds look better on me. And no pastels. They don't look very good on me at all unless they're blue or purple. I've had to throw away 2 very comfortable pairs of black shoes because they had a suede-like surface that began to flake off. I'm so bummed because I no longer have any black shoes that don't give me blisters. I only have 2 pair now, one closed toes and one heeled sandals and both much too uncomfortable to wear teaching. So I need to start making more money soon or I'm going to start looking like a bag lady. Once I drop down to the next size, and I will, I won't have any clothes in my closet at all to wear! But you know what? The thought that I've gotten smaller than anything I've worn in 30 years will more than make up for not having anything to wear. ;-)